“How do you know that’s what they’ll think of you?” I asked my client.
“What do you mean?” she looked up from her notebook puzzled.
“Well, you’re doing all of this prep, putting a lot of pressure on yourself because you think they might think…” I looked down at my notebook to use her words “that you’re not experienced enough to be in that meeting”
“Yeah” she nodded along.
“So, you’re investing all of this time and energy getting ready for this meeting, because you’re expecting to be asked a question you don’t have an immediate answer to, and if you can’t answer in the moment, you’re sure they’ll all think less of you. There’s no issue with being prepared, but you’re visibly stressed about it. So, how do you know that’s what they’ll think of you if that scenario pans out?”
“That’s just what they’re like”
“Okay, that is an option, you could be in a meeting with six judgemental people who are closely watching you and assessing your contributions to determine if you’re good enough at your role. What else could happen?”
“What do you mean?” she asked again, unsure where I was going with this.
“Well, let’s say someone asked you a question, and you responded with “I don’t have that information handy, I’ll get back to you and email you later this afternoon” other than “she’s incapable” what else could they think?”
“Umm I guess they could think “Okay, I’ll get an answer this afternoon”, or “That’s fair, not everything needs to be in the room,” or even “Good, she’ll follow up quickly.””
I added, “Maybe even “I’d prefer a correct answer later today than a made-up answer now” or “That’s a professional way to handle it”, how about the others in the room?”
“To be honest, they probably wouldn’t give it a second thought.”
That’s when the penny dropped, I saw her eyes widen, “right, so I’m doing all of this prep when no one else actually cares”
“Well, I wouldn’t say no one cares” I reassured her “but the likely scenario is that they’re not all sitting there assessing your capability. That’s not their reason for being there. So, what’s your actual reason for attending the meeting?”
We then clarified that the reason she was invited was because the project lead wanted her to start getting familiar with how these client meetings run, so her actual reason for being there was to observe, take it in, learn and over time feel more comfortable in that environment, because one day she’d be running them.
Be honest with me, how many times have you edited your behaviour, said yes to things you don’t want to do, held back your opinion, or even kept an idea to yourself, all because of what you think other people will think of you?
Here’s what happens. In any situation there’s the actual reality. Then there’s someone’s perception of it. And what we do (as perfectionists, people-pleasers, and over-achievers) is brainstorm what we think that person might think about the situation, their worst-case perception.
Then we hold onto that imagined scenario, convince ourselves it’s likely, and carefully curate our behaviour beforehand and during the situation. We do all we can to stop them having that negative perception.
So, when you think about it, we’re trying so hard to control something that’s two steps removed from reality. We’re clutching at a loose possibility, convincing ourselves it’s the likely scenario, and then carefully editing our actions to fit.
At the end of the day, the other person is going to think whatever they want to think, no matter how much we try to control it. What they think is a reflection of their own mindset and beliefs, (we covered that in an earlier podcast episode: Stop Wasting Energy on What They Think: How to Reclaim Your Focus and Power).
This isn’t about them, it’s about you, and how much energy this recurring pattern takes away from your life. You only have so much energy in a day. Spending it trying to control something that’s two steps removed from reality? That’s not a great investment.
🎧 If you’re nodding along, this week’s podcast episode is for you:
If this topic resonates with you, listen to the episode on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
It took me so long to make this realisation in my own life, and my brain will still often drive down this old thought-road. Thankfully, I have cultivated enough awareness so that when I realise I’m heading that way, I hit the breaks, do a u-turn and drive onto the new thought-road build on the foundation of: as long as I’m aligning with my values, being kind and respectful, and honouring my boundaries, I’m doing the right thing.
So, what do you want your new thought-road to be built on?
And next time you’re approaching a situation ask yourself: what do I want to get out of this? And what’s within my control? Because if your expectation is built on controlling someone else’s opinion (or what you think their opinion might be), you’re setting yourself up to fail.
Until next time, stay present and focused on what’s real, and what’s within your control.
– Nat
PS I’ve got a Boundary Reminder Audio guide for those moments you feel yourself worrying about what other people think. Listen to it for in-the-moment support.
PPS Is your mind over-analysing an upcoming situation and brainstorming what you think others will think? Hit reply, I’d love to unpack it with you.
