I was walking away from their desk, instantly regretting what I’d just offered to do.
It was another one of those moments where I saw someone feeling overwhelmed or behind and I jumped straight in to fix it.
“Leave it with me.”
“Yep, no worries, I can do that.”
“Do you want me to do that part?”
Those were my default phrases for years. And the funny thing is, I could always tell when I’d done it again, the way my husband’s eyes would widen if he overheard me on a call, the sinking feeling I’d get the moment I hung up. Sometimes, if the other person said, “No, that’s okay, I’ll sort it out,” I’d actually feel relieved. But before I had that awareness, I’d feel almost… rejected. Like, why don’t you want my help?
What I know now is that I wasn’t just being helpful, I was playing the Hero in what psychologist Stephen Karpman called the Drama Triangle. It’s the role where you step in to save someone (the Victim) from the problem or the Villain, but in doing so, everyone stays stuck in the same cycle.
The Hero feels needed. The Victim feels dependent. The Villain stays the bad guy.
And round it goes.
We don’t even realise that we’ve adopted these roles, the ones we play over and over again in our lives. And it’s hard to keep track of who’s who, because in one situation, we can flick between all three.
It’s easier than you might think to start off in Hero “I’ll just do that part, leave it with me, I’ll fix it” and then slide into Victim later in the night, when it’s 10 pm, everyone else has gone home to their families, and you’re sitting at your desk thinking, “It’s always me. I’m the one who always ends up stuck here. I’m the idiot who keeps saying yes.” You start blaming your workplace: “They don’t care about me. They’re the reason I have to take all this on.”
And from there, it’s a hop, skip and a jump into Villain with your retaliation: “That team member in that other team who created this situation for my colleague in the first place, you just wait, the next time they ask for something, we’re not helping them.”
That’s how the triangle keeps itself alive through these constant shifts that pull us in, even when we think we’re acting from the best intentions.
But there’s another way, one that turns the Drama Triangle into something far more empowering: The Empowerment Dynamic (TED).
Instead of a Hero, you become a Coach.
Instead of a Victim, you become a Creator.
Instead of a Villain, you become a Challenger.
And don’t worry, you don’t actually have to become a coach like I did. It’s not about changing careers, it’s about changing your role when you’re triggered.
It's about moving from rescuing to empowering, focusing on what you can influence, not just the negativity in the situation, and recognising that sometimes the people (or problems) that frustrate you most are the ones inviting you to grow.
Every time we step into one of those Drama Triangle roles, we give away our power. Whether it’s the power to say no, to trust others to figure it out, or to set a healthy boundary. The shift starts with awareness.
The next time you notice yourself caught up in drama, pause and ask:
Which role am I playing right now?
And then, try reframing it using The Empowerment Dynamic.
- What would it look like to step into Coach instead of Hero? To ask a question instead of fixing it?
- How could you move from Victim to Creator? Focusing on what’s in your control, and what can be done to move this forward?
- And if you notice Villain vibes, what if you could instead step into Challenger? And ask the hard questions to keep everyone aligned with the best outcome?
This week, try noticing which role you default to. You don’t have to change the pattern straight away, just start recognising when it’s happening. That awareness alone is what creates the space to choose something different next time.
– Nat
PS That’s what I discuss in this week’s Unwind Your Mind podcast episode, how the Drama Triangle shows up in everyday life and what it takes to shift into the Empowerment Dynamic.
PPS I’d love to hear where you’ve noticed these patterns showing up for you, reply to this email and let me know!
