“It's driving me crazy, I just don’t know how they’re going to respond and what that means for our team” my friend said, placing her knife and fork down on either side of her plate.
I reminded her that until she heard back from the client, it was out of her control. Her team had never tackled a project like this before, and yes, knowing what they know now they may have taken a different approach. But they did the best they could at the time, and they’ve got valuable lessons to take with them moving forward.
I then ended with a reminder: old buildings are unpredictable. There’s a lot of unknowns that no one can plan for, and the client knows that too.
“Look I know what you're saying” she replied,
“But…”
What then followed was a cascade of could-haves, should-haves and assumptions about how upset the client probably was even though she recognised it was out of her control, she ended with:
“I just can't help it. I don't know why I can't stop worrying about it.”
I knew why.
When we're stressing about something, the fact that we’re worrying about it means we think there’s a risk.
The risk could be physical, emotional, reputational or relational, about ourselves or someone we care about – whatever it is, it feels important.
When we can do something about it, take action to reduce or eliminate the risk, the worry and the stress usually fade away because it served its purpose. It triggered us to act.
Action is the antidote to worry.
That makes sense…until it doesn’t. Here's where it gets tricky:
When we’re worrying about things that are out of our control there is no action we can take that will directly influence the outcome.
But the act of worrying itself makes us feel like we’re doing something – so we keep doing it.
It gives us the illusion of control.
In reality, there's no way that worrying alone can change the outcome in any situation.
And there’s the trap, it’s why we stay stuck.
We focus on the uncertainty, the unknown, the what-ifs and our clever creative brains play it all out like a Netflix series… each episode more dramatic than the last.
“I’ll feel better once this is resolved” she continued.
There it is – that’s what we’re chasing. That momentary relief when the unknowns disappear, the outcome is final – good, average or bad.
Only then do we give ourselves permission to stop stressing about it
… until the next thing.
Does that sound familiar?
Welcome to the worry cycle
I come here often, pull up a chair and tell me, is there something you’re currently worrying about that’s out of your control?
This is the first step – noticing it.
Okay next question, what are you retrospectively trying to control? (Hint: this is the should-haves and could-haves).
Those thoughts are valuable but only if you take them out of your head and store them somewhere useful. Make a note. Let them become lessons you carry forward, not guilt you carry around.
Now tell me, what story are you telling yourself about this situation?
How far have we catastrophised this? Are we at “…and the world will implode” yet?
Remember, this is a story you’re telling yourself about this situation, because you can’t know how it’s going to turn out yet.
Try this: what would 10% better look like? How about 10% better than that?
Start working your way back to see how many other paths this story could take.
Remember:
If we’re never making mistakes or discovering better ways of doing things, then we’re not learning, growing or innovating. Everything around you exists because someone was brave enough to take a risk, get it wrong and try again.
You’ve got that courage in you too.
No matter how this scenario plays out, you have the inner strength and resilience to navigate it. You’ve done hard things before. You can do this too.
Once you know what’s next, you’ll know what to do.
– Nat
PS If this resonated with you, I know my podcast episode on Understanding the Worry Cycle (And Why You’re Not the Problem) is going to be so valuable for you. Watch your emails for an update, the podcast is launching in the next few weeks.
PPS If you’re deep in a worry cycle right now, hit reply and tell me what’s on your mind. I’m always here to talk it through with you.
